Here's the deal. My surgery was 5 days ago and I am battling terrible cravings and massive bouts of crankiness in an otherwise happy mind, unseemly pain and I will admit it, depression. Depression over not getting to eat. You guys, I am so sad about it. I thought the sleeve would erase the craving enzyme but it doesn't seem to have done anything and I am constantly thinking about or dreaming about food, it's making me a tad mental.
I am angry. Like really, very angry. I want to take back the surgery. I want to go back to my old way of life. This isn't going to work for me!
Then, like a pendulum I swing the other way. I can do this, I can handle all the loss.
Why? Why am I going crazy over this? And why can't I reign my emotions into line? I am losing control of myself.
I've been home for the last 5 days, recuperating. That would be fine if A. I was able to be still and accept my house-bound-ness and B. if my sewer hadn't been disrupted and I was forced to move into my mom's yesterday where I am sleeping in a different bed and can smell every single delicious thing they are cooking. So far I over-did it after only being home 3 days. Day 4 I was focused on being content at home when the sewer situation happened and now day 5 is dawning, but I've been up since 2 am doing nothing and hating the dark and hating the light and hating this.
I've needed an outlet for the last few days. Something to put my thoughts into order. Something I desperately hope will be therapeutic for me because I NEED therapeutic right now. I want others to know that this is no cakewalk. No matter what everyone tells you, prepare yourself for something worse. It can't hurt right? If it's not too bad of a journey for you then you've lucked out and I am so happy for you, but if it feels like a small slice of hell then you can say you were prepared right?
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